Fifty Shades Freed

Fifty Shades Freed  - E.L. James I feel like I've read enough porn for a lifetime. Seriously. I feel dirty.


No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know. I shouldn't be mean. I mean I'm not a writer and how would I know what it is to write a book and how would I know what it is to write about fucking all the time..

No, I'm not a writer, but what I am is a professional reader and my professional opinion is that at the least this is one of the stupidest things ever published and at the most this is.. well.. the same thing.

Ok. Let's get started.

It's shitty, but I can understand why someone would like it. It has the handsome man, the shy girl, the kinky fuckery, the love, the family, the friends, the bad guys, the thrill. Fascinating. Just fucking fascinating. I do have to specify this, though : I would understand why someone WHO DOESN'T READ FOR A LIVING would like it. And even then I still have a thousand questions about this : why would you?? WHY?

There's many things in this book that I find completely stupid, many expressions that I can't get why an editor would let them pas through his hands. Was the editor who approved this book blind? Deaf? And with severe mental problems? (Mean, I know, but really now).

I did however pick two things I thought were out of this world in terms of how far bad writing can get.

One : Putting one arm around my waist and with his other hands tugging my lacy panties sideways, he IMPALES me in one swift move. I have to begin by saying that I live in Romania, and one of our national "heroes" is Vlad Tepes (also known as Dracula, Vlad Dracul), THE MAN THAT IMPALED HALF THE PEOPLE ALIVE BACK THEN. I really have a rich imagination, but by him sliding into her I really cannot think about the word "impaling" without laughing my ass off. It's just not good to use that kind of language - I know it was meant to sound tough , but all I could think of was Vlad Tepes and a pointy stick.

Two (and with this I have a real problem) : Many times across the book, I have stumbled across the expression "I open his buttons and he springs free ". I don't know if it's just me, but springing free makes me think of a happy bunny and a field of flowers, not in any case of a huge cuckoo and a sexual act. Every time (and I mean EVERY time) I read it, I'd burst out laughing , sometimes until tears, because it's just impossible to use this kind of language to express raw sex. He can't SPRING FREE, dear dear E.L. James, because his pants are not a jail and his penis is not a bunny! Oh Lord, again.

With these two issues talked about, I have to say this is not a book I recommend people to read. Yes, it has a lot of fucking in it, that's the reason we mad men and women read it in the first place. But apart from that, there is nothing good about it. Nothing different. Just another book for the masses, as a 2012 author should always give his/her readers (note the sarcasm).